posted by Benedict Townsend

Now that we know a lot more about some of the features of YouTube’s paid service, we have some… better suggestions.

“YouTube Red”, the brand new paid ad-free subscription service from everyone’s favourite video site, is just about to burst on to the scene. Using a powerful combination of expert knowledge, scientific research and wild speculation, we’ve come up with a list of features we’re certain are going to be included with the service. Seriously, actually, for reals.

 

1. An “ULTRA LIKE” Button

This will function like your standard ‘thumbs up’ button but will harness the power of money to create a thumbs up four hundred times more powerful than usual.

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Once the “Ultra Like” button has been pressed, the video will instantly be granted 400 more likes and YouTube will automatically mail a photograph of you giving a thumbs-up to the YouTuber in question. Please be warned: the force of the amount of fan-love expressed by this button will most likely crack your computer screen and/or you.

 

2. A “NOPE” button

What’s this? YouTube thinks that I want to watch a video of a million spiders eating an entire house?

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Yeah, NOPE. On the other end of the scale from the “ULTRA LIKE” button, YouTube Red will feature a “NOPE” button, to be pressed when a video is NOPE and makes you say “NOPE“. Hit this bad boy and the video will turn off, your internet will be disconnected and a team of Marines will be deployed to your house to destroy your computer WITH JUST SO MUCH FIRE.

 

3. An option to just give YouTube a whole bunch of money

YouTube Red costs $9.99 a month – but what if that’s not enough? What if you want to give YouTube more money? Well have no fear, now you can!

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Every YouTube Red video will feature a subtle, seamless, full-page pop-up ad that says “CLICK TO GIVE MONEY NOW”. All you have to do is enter your chosen amount ($100 minimum) and hit go! Hooray! YouTube say they are going to use the extra money to make the “ULTRA LIKE” button powerful enough to melt glass.

 

4. The ability to subscribe to a YouTuber – endlessly

YouTubers work hard to produce great content. PewDiePie, Caspar Lee, Zoella – whoever your favourite is, we’re sure you’ll agree they could always use another sub, just to show them how fantastic they are.

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YouTube Red will let you hit subscribe to your online hero(ine) as many times as your clicking-finger can handle, meaning you can share the love forever. On that note, we’d like to pre-emptively congratulate PewDiePie on reaching 4.8 Trillion, Trillion subscribers.

 

5. A “Don’t Stop Replaying” button

Sometimes it takes two or three (hundred thousand) watches before you can truly appreciate a new video from your favourite YouTuber. That’s normal and healthy, right?

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But having to click ‘replay’ over and over again? That’s crazy! It just takes up valuable time that could be spent re-watching that video! Luckily YouTube Red will let you set YouTube to just replay the same video over and over, forever and ever. Red will also disable every other program on your computer to make sure nothing interrupts you and will send Marines to your house to make popcorn for you (with a regular amount of fire). UPDATE: This is now a real feature!!! Check it out here.

 

6. Videos you can touch

Sure, it’s fun to just gaze upon your favourite stars, but what if you could reach out and touch them? High-five them? Ruffle their hair? The possibilities are endless! Just be careful about what videos you decide to watch….

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7. An “Add A Ton Of Puppies” button

Puppies: just a selection of puppies, inserted right into your video. Even if you are not a dog fan (say whaaaat?), you’ll still agree that there isn’t a video in the world that wouldn’t benefit from some tiny canine antics.

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So it seems (we hope) that YouTube Red is going to have some really useful features! It also seems like YouTube now has control over the Marines, but let’s not worry about that. Let us know if you want any of these features, or if we’ve missed any that you would want!