Here Are Your Entirely Made-Up Horoscopes For May
27 April 2017, 11:50
All of this is 100% true.
Don't lie, you know you love reading horoscopes. Who doesn't want to know whether they'll come into a secret fortune or meet the man of their dreams in the fish aisle of Tesco?
In the past you've trusted us to figure out your age, your natural hair colour and your favourite YouTubers; so we thought we'd try our hand at your horoscopes. Because everyone knows there's no skill involved in astrology, right?
Read on to discover a whole bunch of stuff from your future; including which YouTuber you're likely to bump into in May, and how your summer love life is going to go. And before you start commenting about there being a new horoscope: we're not really down with that. Old school all the way.
Taurus; 20th April - 20th May
Happy birthday month, Taurus. Every new age should start with some good news so you'll be pleased to know this month Uranus is your key sign and will guide you. Watch out for a mystery man in the park; he'll be wearing black and absolutely not on fire. This month will see your fortune grow so sign up to Twitch quickly and watch those dollars come in faster than you can say "PewDiePie!"
Gemini; 21st May- 20th June
It's not good news, Gemini, your subscription box is getting out of control. This month you need to be careful about just how many stars you're subscribing to before things get on top of you and you end up in an Internet blackhole. Consider this your warning.
Cancer; June 21st-July 22nd
Your love life has been terrible lately, Cancer, and it'll continue to get worse throughout May. Instead of resigning yourself to a life of singledom, seek solice in your Internet friends; and look out for a redhead who is not sexy, for he holds the key to your cold, dark heart.
Leo; July 23rd -August 22nd
Your month will be rich in new and exciting adventures. If you've ever wanted a tweet to go viral, this is the momth for you. Be funny, be witty, use gifs and watch the success roll in. Look out for a YouTuber with the initial J for they will be the one to make you laugh until you literally pee yourself.
Virgo; August 23rd-September 22nd
The number six holds special meaning for you this month, make of this mysterious information what you will. This month will see you plan luxury travel opportunities. Look for for a hostel by the river and the letters S.I.T.C.
Libra; September 23rd - October 22nd
Oh Libra, what have you done? You've got yourself into a dreadful financial mess and it's going to take a while for you to recover. Face things head on this month and be honest with yourself; do you really need 14 copies of Oli White's second book? No. No you do not, Libra.
Scorpio; October 23rd - November 21st
Romance is on the cards this month, either in real life or all imagined in your head. Take care going forward but trust those with the initial H or Z. Whilst waiting for cupid to strike, this is the month to clear out your subscription box and finally unsub from that grosspimple popping channel. It's been too long, Scorpio.
Sagittarius; November 22nd - December 21st
Writing is your hidden talent, Sagittarius. Have belief in your fanfiction and finally press publish on that 10,000 word Lilly Singh romance novel you've been writing. Your success lies in a platform with the initials W.P.
Capricorn; December 22nd - January 19th
Prepare to go viral, Capricorn. We're not saying you'll go viral for the right reasons but it's going to happen whether you like it or not. The stars are alligned for you this month, your lucky number is 69 and look out for a female with blue hair.
Aquarius; January 20th - February 18th
Water is not your friend this month, Aquarius. Stay away from electric devices and the bath if you care about your life. The stars are sprinkling a little glitter over your life this month and suggest you watch the entire back catalogue of a YouTuber with the initials L and P.
Pisces; February 19th - February 19th - March 20th
You're a caring figure and the most beautiful of all the signs. This month, take time to relax and enjoy your beauty. The stars suggest fame and fortune are on the cards, perhaps in the form of a beauty channel? Your lucky number is 666 and look out for a YouTuber with the initials MB, for they will become your new best friend.
Aries; March 21st - April 19th
Aries, this is the month you really come into your own and make a name for yourself. Everyone wants a little piece of you this month so make sure your energy levels are high and prepare to do some serious socialising. Look out for a YouTuber with the initials CL, they'll make all your dreams come true.
Come back next month for more made-up horoscopes that may or may not come true...
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