posted by Benedict Townsend

The gods will look upon the sins I have committed here today and they will weep as they smite me into a thousand ashen fragments

Okay, first things first: when these emojis were announced, there were 69 of them (nice). Now, the artwork for the 69 (nice) emojis has been released, but for some reason the original number of 69 (nice) has been reduced to 56 (boo). We don’t know why this is, but we hate it.

So what we’re going to do, for the sake of all that is fun and good in the world, is just pretend there are still 69 (nice). After all, seeing as many emojis now have alternate versions (with different skin tones etc), there are definitely at least 69 (nice) available. Nice. Let’s dive in:

 


Star-Struck

Horniness rating: 6/10

new emojis

This could conceivably be the face of someone who is exclaiming BAZINGA because they are witnessing something wild and PG-13 happening.

 


Face With Raised Eyebrow (Stephen Colbert)

Horniness rating: 10/10

This one gets a solid 10, both for its cheeky raised eyebrow, serving up Roger Moore lothario realness – and for the fact it’s apparently based on Stephen Colbert, whose comedy is attractive to the mind.

 


Exploding Head

Horniness rating: 9/10

A solid nine for this one. Nothing says comic horniness like a cranium spontaneously combusting.

 


Crazy Face

Horniness rating: 3/10

Ew.

 


Face With Symbols Over Mouth

Horniness raying: 1/10

Very angry. Not good vibes at all. Not horny.

 


Face Vomiting

Horniness rating: 0/10

This is NOT horny. It is the absolute worst. I wish I could give it less than a zero, it is an abomination to all things emoji. I hate it with my life.

 


Shushing Face

Horniness rating: 10/10

Creepiness rating: 14/10

Look. At. This. Bastard. LOOK at this guy. I don’t trust this emoji at all, but there is no denying that it is dangerously horny. What a creep.

 


Face With Hand Over Mouth

Horniness rating: 10/10

Looks like a Victorian nobleman catching a cheeky look at an exposed ankle.

 


Face With Monocle

Horniness rating: 6/10

High social class, if anything, makes you more likely to be a huge pervert. There’s some Eyes Wide Shut vibes emanating off this monocle’d bastard, and tbh we can dig it.

 


Adult

Horniness rating: 5/10

Is there anything more adult than a literal adult? That being said, this emoji definitely looks like it would ghost you.

 


Older Adult

Horniness rating: if you’re into that sort of thing

Age is just a number, baby.

 


Bearded Person

Horniness rating: variable

 

This depends on your tastes but if you’re into beards, this emoji will be the one for you.

 


Mage

Horniness rating: magical

Does this emoji cast a spell on you?

 


Fairy

Horniness rating: 5/10

Disclaimer: may not exist.

 


Vampire

Horniness rating: 6/10

 

The age of Twilight is over, so this one doesn’t score quite as high as it would have back in the day.


Elf

Horniness rating: depends how much you love Legolass

“AND MY BOW.”

 


Genie

Horniness rating: variable

If doing a dangerous dance with Disney’s infamously brutal copyright lawyers is what gets you hot and bothered then this emoji is the one for you.

 


Zombie

Horniness rating: 1/10

Each to their own but … it’s not advisable.

 


Merperson

Horniness rating: if you really love being sued by Disney

 

Man, we thought they were playing with fire with that genie emoji, but this one just goes for it.

 


Person in Steamy Room

Horniness rating: 10/10

It has the word steamy in the title! It was made for this list!

 


Person Climbing

Horniness rating:

 

In many ways the greatest mountain to climb is the human heart. Good luck on your emotional climb, sweet emoji.

 


Person in Lotus Position

Horniness rating: 10/10

Steve Jobs famously argued that The Karma Sutra  should come pre-installed on every iPhone. This was shot down by Tim Cook, who said “no”. Anyway, here’s a harmless yoga pose that we’re gonna taint for the sake of this horrible list.

 


Love-You Gesture

Horniness rating: 10/10

This may look like a rock-n-roll devil horns gesture, but it’s also the ASL symbol for ‘love’. Lovely.

 


Palms Up Together

Horniness rating: 2/10

 

Offering up horny vibes to Aphrodite herself.


Brain

Horniness rating: 10/10

Technically all horniness exists within the brain, thus we must pay homage to this wrinkly pervert here.

 


Orange Heart

Horniness rating: 9/10

 

What’s more horny than true love?

 


Scarf, Gloves, Coat, Socks

Horniness rating: 1/10

 

Are arguably just clothes.

Adding clothes, if anything, reduces horniness.

 


Billed Cap

Horniness rating: 1/10

If you think the rating should be higher then hats off to you tbh.

 


Zebra, Giraffe, Hedgehog, Sauropod, Cricket

Horniness rating: 0/10

Are animals. Also that cricket sucks to look at.

 


T-Rex

Horniness rating: 1/10

Gets a point cos T-Rexes are cool.

 


Coconut

Horniness rating: 2/10

This Bounty flavoured treat might remind you of a tropical beach – a relative horned-up place. It therefore gets a 2/10. No one made me write this article, I actively chose to write it, which is so, so much worse. If there is a hell, I will be going there and I absolutely deserve it.

 


Broccoli

Horniness rating: 1/10

Nutritious.

 


Pretzel

Horniness rating: 0/10

It’s a pretzel.

 


Cut of Meat

Horniness rating: 0/10

If you’re vegetarian: -10/10

No thanks.

 


Sandwich

Horniness rating: 10/10

 

Sandwiches rule.

 


Bowl With Spoon

Horniness rating: Depends on how many Freudian issues you have

We don’t wanna know.

 


Canned Food, Dumpling, Takeout Box

Horniness rating: depends how much you love food

 


Fortune Cookie

Horniness rating: depends on the message inside

Huh, my fortune seems to be ‘send nudes’ ? Is that like … a proverb or something?

 


Pie

Horniness rating: 2/10

Unless you’re Jason Biggs.

 


Cup With Straw

Horniness rating: Even more Freudian

I’m not here to judge (I am).

 


Chopsticks

Horniness rating: 1/10

Two for the price of one.

 


Flying Saucer

Horniness rating: 2/10

VERY dependent on the occupants.

 


Sledge

Horniness rating: 0/10

Horniness rating if you’re Charles Foster Kane: 10/10

Rooooosebuddd


Curling Stone

If you’re Canadian: 10/10

Pretty good, eh?


Honourable mentions

There are a couple of emojis that didn’t feel appropriate to include in a list like this:

Child

Breast-Feeding

Woman With Headscarf

Some new flags

 


How do I get these new emojis?

All of these emojis are part of Unicode 10, which was just released. Apple will get these emojis at the end of this year – most likely as part of their iOS11 update. Google will also likely introduce them then. There’s a chance Apple may rework the artwork on some them before they bring them to their devices.

 

 

All emoji images in this article are via emojipedia.org. Just them out for more emoji goodness.

 


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