Tana Mongeau has had the eyes of the entire Internet on her recently following a rather public dispute with iDubbbzTV. But now that her apology video has gone live, in which she says sorry for her lies surrounding previous use of the “N-Word” in home videos, Tana has revealed some shocking truths about her suicidal thoughts during what she calls “the hardest week of [her] life”.
The whole video is dedicated to owning up her to fans that she had lied in previous apology Snapchats and YouNow streams when she claimed to “not know” the real definition of the N-word; claiming that she thought it meant “homie”. Towards the end of the apology however, Tana begins to discuss the sheer level of hate she received since iDubbbzTV uploaded his Content Cop: “This past week I’ve received more hate than I thought possible”.
Fast-forward 18 minutes into the video below to hear Tana’s struggles with suicidal thoughts.
Most of the hate Tana has been receiving seems to stem from the false accusations she made about iDubbbzTV when they met at her San Francisco meet and greet. Whilst she claims that she would never lie about what he did to her because he was clearly filming a video that would later be uploaded, Tana admits that she made her “N-Word” video on impulse without checking facts. She was fuelled by emotion and it fogged her memory.
Moving onto the topic of her suicidal thoughts, Tana states that: “This past week, I would read comments of people telling me they wanted me to kill myself and I’ve never felt this feeling before but I genuinely was like, ‘would the world be a better place without me?'”. She reflects on how the whole situation has made her “much more empathetic” towards people who do get affected by hate comments, but also admits that she “literally wanted to die so badly” during the scandal.
Tana ends the video by thanking her fans for all of their continued support, saying that they were “the reason why [she’s] still alive this week”. She says she wants to be seen as “the example of strength when hate is coming your way”, and “the only reason [she] didn’t do anything… is because [she] knew a lot of [her fans] would be hurt”.
Over on Twitter, Tana has once more thanked her “family” (fans) for being brave enough to call her out on her previous misdemeanors, and took the time to personally thank Shane Dawson for being a close friend of hers as well as a figure of support in recent weeks.
If you’ve been affected by this story, or want to talk to someone about suicide, please visit The Samaritans or Mind for 24/7 support and advice.