The 21 Funniest Amazon Reviews Of All Time

15 February 2018, 11:18

funny amazon reviews
Picture: other
Benedict Townsend

By Benedict Townsend

Prepare to leave your maturity at the door

Amazon sells pretty much everything. No, really - it sells everything - including a good few products that defy any reasonable explanation. Luckily, Amazon users are on hand to provide useful, serious and highly mature reviews for these products, giving potential consumers the valuable information they need to make an informed purchasing decision.

Just kidding, everyone just dicks around hilariously. Enjoy:

$39,000 glass speakers

glass speakers
Picture: Amazon

I know when I smell a bargain, and $39,000 for some fancy glass speakers seems like a total steal. For the mere price of several small cars, you can have speakers that not only play music, but which are also made of glass. Honestly, I'd pay DOUBLE the asking price for the privilege of having these transparent beauties in my mansion's bespoke home recording studio.

Here are some great reviews for this great product:

Amazon Customer: "This speaker fits perfectly on my sidewalk, because I sold my house to get these."

Perry Cardia: "I debated for weeks between buying these bad boys, or getting my wife of 17 years her much needed heart transplant. Although I miss her very much, me and my ears have never regretted my decision."

Anthony: "FAST SHIPPING!!!!!!! Awesome got these on Prime in two days. Was divorced and left alone in an empty house with nothing but my 53k speakers in three days. Exactly what I've always wanted! Terrific!"

Patrick J. Hawkins: "I bought these to put in our newborn's nursery. We've been playing classical music because it is suppose to stimulate brain functionality. It seems to work stupendously. The child is only 8 weeks old and has told me that I'm a freaking moron for buying them."

A 55 Gallon Tub Of Lube

funny amazon reviews
Picture: Amazon

55 gallons is a lot of lube. We estimate it's around 1040 times more lube than is contained in a standard bottle of lube. Unless you're trying to move a whale along a highway, it's hard to imagine why you would have need for such an ungodly amount of lube, but apparently it's a real product that not only exists, but is purchased by real living people.

Also it costs $1,500.

Sean McLemore : "As UPS discretely unloaded my 55 gallon drum, the driver accidentally spilled it into my driveway. Any amount of cars can now fit into the garage."

J. A. KONRATH: "I'm surprised by the high price. It would be cheaper if they sold it in bulk. I'll wait until they release a three pack."

Scott: "great for family reunions!!!"

BIC 'for Her' Ballpoint Pen

BIC 'for Her' Ballpoint Pen
Picture: Amazon

Women, as we all know, have been locked since the beginning of time in an eternal struggle with their mortal nemesis - the pen. Countless female lives have been lost in the fight against this ink-filled menace and no one, nay no one, has been able to broker any kind of lasting peace.

Then Bic came along.

Using cutting-edge technology, Bic was able to formulate a pen that women could not only use without injury, but which they could buy affordably. It was a massive breakthrough, and earned the Bic team a slew of international humanitarian awards.

Here's one glowing review, from a happy pen-using woman:

A keen skier: "My husband has never allowed me to write, as he doesn't want me touching mens pens. However when I saw this product, I decided to buy it (using my pocket money) and so far it has been fabulous! Once I had learnt to write, the feminine colour and the grip size (which was more suited to my delicate little hands) has enabled me to vent thoughts about new recipe ideas, sewing and gardening."

Senior Woman with Asthma Wall Decal by Wallmonkeys Peel and Stick Graphic

Don't even ask.

old woman amazon
Picture: Amazon

Ian Johnson: "I was looking for a large wall decal of a stock photo of a woman using an inhaler, and this fit the bill perfectly. Thank you!"

Maggie: "Put it up right next to my framed oil painting of an old man measuring his pills into a daily dispenser. Looks amazing!"

Wes: "At first I wasn't sure if spending money on a sticker of an old lady with an inhaler was a good idea but once I got it I knew I had made the right choice. She keeps me company in my apartment since I don't have any actual friends, we eat, play board games, and watch tv together. Overall I am 100% satisfied with my purchase."

Horse mask

horse mask
Picture: Amazon

Do I understand precisely a person would need a horse mask? Nay. But goddamn if I won't fight for their right to have one. Particularly if they're using the mask to infiltrate a group of actual horses:

ByronicHero: "It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place... But we will be ready."

Nike Air Foamposite One NRG shoes

Nike Air Foamposite One NRG shoes
Picture: Amazon

All you need to know about these Nike's is that they're eye-wateringly expensive. Luckily, that wasn't a problem for one happy customer:

HeroLegend555: "Sure these shoes are pricey but you get what you pay for. I worked 60 hours a week all year long and I finally was able to purchase these shoes. I put them on and you could immediately tell these weren't your average $60 sneakers. They may have the same amount of form, comfort, shape and performance but they are WAY more stylish. Like $3,000 stylish. Sometimes my daughter complains, though. She'll say things like "Are we going to eat tonight" and "I'm tired of sleeping in the street" but then I just show her my awesome Nikes and she shuts her mouth. Great shoes, do recommend!!"

Montegrappa Chaos Gold Automatic Watch

Montegrappa Chaos Gold Automatic Watch
Picture: Amazon

Refined, elegant, understated, subtle. This watch really does have it all. And the fact it's available for only $86,000 means that picking one up is a real no-brainer. In fact, as I type this I am wearing eight individual Montegrappa Chaos Gold Automatic Watch's on both of my arm. It acts as both bling and a sturdy kind of improvised body armour.

SMRoss: "So let me paint a picture. It's Father's Day tomorrow and the stores are closed. So what to get The Lord of the underworld? This watch."

Claudio Puviani: "Free shipping. That's right. FREE. That should put things in perspective for those entitled little whiners who have an issue with the price tag."

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
Picture: Amazon

A solution to the age-old problem of how to cut a banana, one of nature's toughest substances.

SW3K: "For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed."

Jim Anderson: "I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slicer is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way."

Albanese Candy Sugar Free Assorted Fruit Gummi Bears, 5 Pound Bag

As far as I can tell, these are effectively poison. Everyone who bought and ate these gummy demons seems to have been turned just about inside out by them. The worst part is, these reviews are actually real this time, these people aren't actually joking:

Amazon Customer: "Five stars if your goal was to murder your inside."

Jonathan Liechti: "Death would have been a better option."

Amazon Customer: "Gummy bears taste great... eat more than 12 and prepare for a Gastric Exorcism. The devil escaped my system for a solid 4 straight hours."

Amazon Customer: "Full Disclosure: I am writing this review on my toilet, where I have been off and on for the past 3 hours. The second that I touch porcelain what can only be compared to dropping a Mentos into a 2 liter of Diet Coke followed. Unfortunately, this was just the beginning. Over the past 3 hours, the eruptions have been coming at a steady pace. My toilet/ass must be feeling what the Allied forces felt like against the German Blitzkrieg."

Christine E. Torok: "Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me. Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors. But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible. AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS."

Lovely.